“You feel a sense of wonder.”
I was dumbstruck. He was spot-on.
I was demonstrating a listening framework to leaders, talking about something I’m passionate about. In this case I was talking about what I call “small travel,” those unplanned moments you can’t schedule or Instagram.
Three people were in the demo with me, practicing deep listening: one for facts, one for feelings, and one for values.
When asked what they heard, the leader listening for feelings said, “You feel a sense of wonder in these situations.”
I’ve used this example dozens of times. No one ever named that before.
I hadn’t even realized it myself. But I felt completely heard.
We say we should “listen to understand, not respond.” Great advice. Useless without the HOW.
Most leaders think they’re excellent listeners. They’re not. Neither was I.
Years ago, I walked into a new role convinced I knew what my team should look like. I’d built something similar before.
So when I interviewed executives about their needs, I asked loaded questions. Listened for what I wanted to hear. Cherry-picked confirming answers.
I built exactly what I wanted.
It was an abject disaster.
Three people I hired into new roles were let go within a year. They were talented people, but the model didn’t work because it wasn’t what the organization needed.
I hadn’t listened deeply to the executives to hear their fears and values. I’d listened with an agenda.
That’s the million-dollare cost of not truly listening.
I’ve seen this destroy team cohesion. The CTO announces, “We’re doing X.” Sales asks, “Have you thought about Y?” The CTO: “Yeah, this is what we’re doing.”
Did the CTO listen? Or just wait to reconfirm?
True listening means getting curious. Not just hearing facts, but understanding feelings, the values at stake, and the concerns that lie beneath.
So the CTO doesn’t listen. Then Sales stops raising concerns and works around decisions. Marketing creates their own product story. Customer Success handles the fallout.
Everyone rows different directions. Performance suffers. Leaders blame “poor execution” when they never heard each other.
Trust and relationships, the foundation of teams, are decimated.
It’s a simple framework that helps avoid these disasters:
- Listen for facts (what’s said)
- Listen for feelings (emotions present)
- Listen for values (what matters)
When you listen at all three levels, people feel heard. Really heard.
Trust builds. Real collaboration happens. Teams stop working around each other and start working together.
Back to my story, when that leader said “wonder,” he didn’t just hear my words. He heard me. We connected.
And it’s connection that builds relationships and trust—the foundation of every high-performing team.
When’s the last time your leadership team practiced listening—really listening—to each other?
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