The room went silent when I said, “Let’s table this for now.”
I could feel the tension. The team needed me to lean in, to push for clarity on a decision that would impact our entire quarter. Instead, I chose the path of least resistance—again.
My fear of being “too much” had just made me too little when it mattered most.
Nobody sets out to be an ineffective leader. Most of the time, we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve learned: responding to pressure, deadlines, team dynamics, and expectations that are often unspoken or unclear.
But in my experience, when a leader’s behavior consistently gets in their own way—or in the way of their team—it’s rarely because they don’t care.
It’s usually because fear is quietly in the driver’s seat.
Not the obvious kind of fear.
I’m talking about the deeper patterns we pick up early and carry with us:
- Fear of being wrong
- Fear of being overlooked
- Fear of not being liked
- Fear of losing control
In the Leadership Circle Profile (the tool I often use with clients), these show up as reactive tendencies—instinctive responses that are protective, familiar, and hard to shake. They’re not “bad.” They often help us succeed early on. But they can also start to work against us and our teams.
Here’s mine: pleasing.
My default, especially when tension rises, is to smooth things over. To keep the peace. To stay likable—even when the moment calls for challenge or clarity. And that pattern is rooted in a fear I know well: the fear of being too much.
The cost isn’t just personal. When leaders operate from fear, it ripples through the entire team. My need to avoid conflict meant my team had to navigate around my discomfort instead of through the real issues. My fear of being too much made me too little … and left gaps others had to fill.
If it feels like fear is running the show, here are a few things that can help:
- Get curious about your default behaviors—especially when you’re stressed.
- Ask yourself what fear might be fueling them.
- Consider what a more intentional response could look like.
- Notice how your patterns affect your team’s ability to be effective.
The question isn’t “Am I a good or bad leader?” It’s: “When stress hits, what fear is coming up—and what would it look like to choose differently for both me and my team?”
What fear shows up most for you when the stakes are high? And what’s the impact on your team?
Hey there! I’m a leadership team whisperer, executive coach, and speaker. I guide leadership teams in high-growth companies to achieve rapid growth in a healthy, sustainable way. I coach senior leaders to discover the path to lead with ease.
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