Who are you? What identities do you carry? And if one of those identities was stripped away, what would you do? Who would you be?
We all have multiple identities that we assign to ourselves, both personally and professionally.
Spouse, parent, son or daughter. Hiker, biker, skier, golfer. Friend, partner, volunteer, neighbor.
Leader, team member, manager, employee, employer. Entrepreneur, innovator, founder. Builder, maintainer.
We have many identities because, as Walt Whitman said, we contain multitudes.
Lately my conversations with leaders and clients have had a trend where we find ourselves exploring identity. More specifically, the loss, or potential loss of identity.
- The leader who feels adrift without direction and doesn’t know what his identity and purpose is to the organization.
- The leader who is losing one of her titles—both an inward and outward loss of identity, especially to someone for whom title matters deeply.
- The leader who is retiring after a long career with his company, and struggling to let go.
- The leader who joined a company to turn it around, a last great win in her career, only to find that possibility—and her legacy—at risk.
- The leadership team whose roles are changing as the company transforms, requiring new skills from them and changing what it means to be a high performer.
- The family member who feels extreme commitment to her family’s legacy in the company … and yet who wants something different.
In each one of these situations, there is an identity that is at risk of being lost.
And identity loss is one of the hardest losses to navigate, because at its core it’s a loss of how you’ve defined yourself to the world.
I’m living this real time right now in the personal realm. This past weekend we had to say goodbye to our beautiful 3 year old pup, Olive, after a 3 month battle with lymphoma. To say we are devastated is an understatement. She was joy manifested in dog form.
With the passing of Olive, there is the obvious grief that comes with the loss of a beloved family member and companion.
Then there are the other layers of loss, like the loss of routine. And for me, the loss of identity.
You see, for 25 years I’ve been a dog owner, dog parent, dog mom. And up until our older pup passed in May of 2024, we’d always had 2 dogs. For various reasons, we didn’t adopt a second dog to be with Olive, and now we’re grateful we were able to give her our full attention during her illness.
But on Sunday morning, for the first time in 25 years, a core part of my identity was lost: I was no longer a dog mom.
This loss was reinforced by the loss of routine. In the past when we’d lost a pup, we’d always had another who needed to be fed, walked, and loved. Now that’s not the case. On Sunday I found myself saying over and over “I don’t know what to do next.”
Thankfully I’ve been steeped in the teachings of William Bridges and his work on transitions during change. I had some runway to start processing during Olive’s illness, and I’ve been talking about and reflecting on what this loss of identity would mean for me. I was more prepared than most.
And yet it doesn’t make it easier. A core part of my identity was stripped away.
Going back to the leaders I’m working with, I always have empathy for them as they navigate the losses that come with change. I’ve had my own identity losses in my career—title, level, even employment status. I know how challenging it can be. Now, as I sit in the thick of it myself, I feel even more deeply for each leader I know who is working through this.
I’m writing all this because, for one, I’ve learned that writing is a critical technique for how I process grief. Second, I want to reinforce these messages for each of you:
- Loss of identity is real, and hard, and painful. Recognize it, name it, and give yourself time to grieve what’s lost.
- Recognize and have empathy for these losses in others. If you’re struggling to understand why someone you work with might be angry over a changed title, or resisting a change of scope in role, think about what it might mean to their identity.
- Always remember that you do contain multitudes. Loss of one identity does not mean the loss of you.
As for me, I’m navigating through waves of grief and letting myself feel what I need to feel. I’m establishing some new routines. I’m leaning into another identity, that of the traveler, and chose to distract myself by booking a two week trip to Finnish Lapland in September for me and my husband. (Why? Why not. And because Instagram marketed to me well in my melancholy.)
And I will be a dog mom again. We know our home needs dogs. We’ll get through our travels—the first time in 20 years we will travel together without worrying about the dogs at home—and then trust that Olive’s spirit will lead the right pup to our home.
The process of rebuilding after identity loss isn’t just personal—it’s something every leader faces. Whether you’re the executive grappling with a changed role, or leading someone through their own transition, remember that identity shifts are rarely just professional. They cut to the core of how we see ourselves.
In whatever identities we build, lose, and rebuild—both for ourselves and our teams—the foundation remains constant: we are enough, exactly as we are, even in the messy middle of becoming who we’re meant to be next.
Looking to increase the cohesion, trust, and impact of your leadership team? Reach out and let’s discuss The Compass Team Experience and how I can help.
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