She’d rather let her colleagues interrupt family dinner than risk being seen as rude.
That was the real experience of a leader I was coaching. Some of her peers would text her in the evenings when she was trying to spend time with her family, and she’d respond right away. It wasn’t that there was anything urgent: they were working in the evenings and wanted her input.
Let’s be clear: she didn’t want her family time interrupted. But her biggest fear was being seen as “rude.” (Those are her words exactly.)
This evening activity was irritating her, making her family feel like second-best, and was burning her out.
But hey, no one thought she was rude.
Yeah, there was a lot to unpack here. And unpack we did.
We explored why she felt not responding was rude, and more importantly we dug into why it was so important to her to not be perceived as “rude.” That required a trip in the way-back machine to uncover how her people-pleaser tendencies developed over years of validating and defining herself by taking care of others.
And then we got real about the costs — the costs of setting boundaries, and the costs of not doing so.
It was through that conversation that she came to a key realization: the cost for not setting boundaries was far higher than doing so and possibly being perceived as rude.
As she said it, “I’m not being rude, I’m being boundaried.”
Together we crafted ways that she could respectfully set those boundaries with her colleagues, and prepared her for those conversations.
The result? Her peers appreciated her honesty, respected her boundaries, and the team worked better as a whole because a point of friction had been removed. When she set boundaries, it gave permission for others on the team to do the same.
People pleasers make terrible boundary setters. That’s exactly why they need to set them.
As a people pleaser myself, I understand the responsibility we feel to take care of everyone. But before you can effectively set boundaries, you need to understand what’s stopping you from doing so in the first place.
If you’re a people pleaser, what boundaries do you need to set today?
Looking to increase the cohesion, trust, and impact of your leadership team? Reach out and let’s discuss The Compass Team Experience and how I can help.
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