What’s the magic formula for communicating hard things?
First, I’ll tell you what it’s not.
It’s not what I heard far too often in my career.
- Don’t show emotion.
- Stick to the talking points.
- Stay with the facts.
- Don’t say you’re sorry.
It can be even more confusing when you hear guidance like “Be authentic but authoritative” or “Show vulnerability but maintain control.”
So what’s the magic formula?
Candor + Compassion. Every time.
Years ago, I had to lay off 5 people from my 20-person team. We were a close-knit team, and this was going to be brutal.
After I notified those who were being let go, I called the remaining team together. I started off with the facts and the talking points. Then I did what felt risky at the time (since I’d been told to stick to the talking points) and added:
“This is really hard. It’s okay for us to sit in the ick for a bit.”
I didn’t defend the decision. I didn’t sugarcoat. I told the truth: that this was really hard, that I’d cried the night before thinking about the people who were about to lose their jobs. And I made space for their feelings.
That space mattered.
The feedback I got from the team afterward? They were grateful, not for the decision (obviously), but for the way I honored the moment, for not asking them to shove it down and carry on.
Here’s the thing: when we name what we’re feeling, we take its power away, and we give ourselves back the power to move through it. We get to hold the emotion instead of the emotion holding us.
When you allow people to be in the emotion, they’ll move through it faster.
Not every leader knows how to strike that balance … and that’s okay. It’s not instinct for everyone. It’s a muscle, and you can build it.
I once coached a CEO who had just done a big RIF and got feedback that he came off as cold. His response?
“Cynthia, they’ll be fine. They’ll get jobs. They’ll bounce back.”
He wasn’t wrong in his candor, but he was missing the compassion. Empathy didn’t come naturally to him, so we explored a time when someone close to him had been laid off. As he reflected on her experience, he said, “She was devastated. I knew she’d land on her feet… but it crushed her.”
That one connection helped him lead the next hard conversation with more compassion, and it’s a muscle he’s been building ever since.
💡 That’s the leadership lesson:
Say the hard thing with heart. Blend candor and compassion.
It’s not either/or. It’s both/and.
And trust me: your team may forget the exact words, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.
Looking to increase the cohesion, trust, and impact of your leadership team? Reach out and let’s discuss The Compass Team Experience and how I can help.
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